nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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