pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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