just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
