I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
