I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
