I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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