Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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