last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
