It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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