College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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