a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
