she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
