I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
