sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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