It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
