It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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