Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
