you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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