toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
