see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The power of my boobs compel you
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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