His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He passed out mid-signature
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
