I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
