So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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