Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
