Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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