It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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