I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
