you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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