My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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