I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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