He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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