I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
