This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
