I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
