her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
