you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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