just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize