Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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