I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
