you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
