I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
