I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
