I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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