sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
