my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
