Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
