Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Bring me that man meat
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
