She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
