a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
