It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
organizing the empties. That sober.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
