I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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